This business of living is interesting, isn't it? Sometimes I find myself thinking that life is sort of like a huge chess game where you make a move and then respond to what happens next. Other times it feels like a random journey where anything can happen, just like when you pull the handle of a slot machine or roll the dice. Interestingly enough, it seems that no matter how I figure it, I am responsible for a bit of what happens on the journey. After the epic fail of my WW attempt I curled into the fetal position for a while and licked my wounds, and soothed myself the way I knew how to (you guessed it - with food).
When it comes right down to it, I want to live. I'd even elect to live to reach 100 (heck, even if I'm in a weight range that would be "bump-able", I doubt anyone would toss around a 100 year old lady!). I don't want to observe life from the couch. I don't want to miss anything else - not one single thing. And yes, there it goes - the unending clang of my baby clock reminding me that time's a waistin'. Le sigh.
So why am I committing suicide by knife and fork?
I got to this size by a combination of factors. As a very young child I fell in love with food - especially back then junk food. I couldn't wait to get my allowance or chore money so I could run to the store (I'm not kidding - I actually would run) and get the ultimate treat; a bag of chips, a chocolate bar, and a can of pop. Not to mention a bag of mixed candy from the heavenly candy buffet on the counter that beckoned to me like jewels in a display. As I got older, food was the only way I knew how to soothe myself. As an adult, I did absolutely nothing to care for myself nutritionally. I skipped meals (and even drinks) left right and center which put my body through hell. I avoided any sort of physical effort with a vengeance. Let's face it, when you are already carrying around the extra weight of 1 wildebeest (or 2 cheerleaders), physical activity is less than pleasant. All of these things combined led me to where I am right now, so fixing the problem will likely involve a process instead of a simple cure.
I hope I live to be a huuuuundred, so it's time to do something about it.
Exit wildebeest, stage right...
I hope you live to be 100 too! Happy Birthday!!
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday! Glad to see you are blogging again. That is a good sign! May I ask when your surgery will be? Your reasons for surgery are the right ones. You want to be healthy, live old and you want to become a mother! Cheers to you!
ReplyDeleteNot sure when surgery will be - but 2013 seems likely.
DeleteWelcome back to Blogger Land and Happy Birthday! Your blog was a great read and I hope you find writing here helps you along your journey.
ReplyDeleteWhat amazes me about writing and forums and blogging is that you put yourself out there for your own reasons but you may actually be helping others and never even realise it.
2011 was my Annus Horribilus - I don't know what I ever did to get that year but day by day I got through it.
What helped me get through was reading a variety of self help sites, journalling and I also joined WW to try to get through the year without eating my way through as is my habit. The only thing I have ever printed and posted on my wall was your list of beliefs. It struck such a chord with me and I still have it here and read through it to remind myself I am worthy of success and I am capable of more than I believe. I got that from you. So thank you.
And one little line jumped out at me - you say your WW experience was an epic fail. Well I hope you don't mind but I say I don't think it was a fail. It gave you the opportunity to help others and to challenge yourself. It took you back here and hopefully will lead you to the place to find the strength you need to get back on track.
Gosh - didn't mean to come over all deep but welcome back - don't be hard on yourself! As line 13 says "You are a survivor. You are strong"