A good friend of mine (who has a wicked sense of humor) prefers to refer to the monthly visitor - aka Aunt Flo - as "George". She figures that something that brings so much pain and discomfort should be named after a male and not a female family member. Now before any males out there start hatin' on me, please realize that I do not share her feelings of humorous contempt for the male sex. In fact, if it were up to me, I would wipe the slate clean and refer to my period as The Monthly Exorcism or OhMyGodWhereDidIPutTheEffingMidol.
Nonetheless, in honor of my friend, for the purposes of this blog I shall hitherto (or at least today) refer to it as George.
When you are trying to conceive, George is the last thing that you want to see, for obvious reasons. The only mildly good thing for some is that if and when George shows up on your doorstep, there is a small window wherein one could imbibe if one was so inclined. Even if you weren't inclined to drink to derision, the very fact that George shows up and shreds every ounce of hope is enough to make some people head to the nearest bottle of whatever-floats-their-boat and latch on like a newborn to a nipple.
I'm on the fence.
I sit here, 2 days late - that's right, count em- 2 days late. I have had minor weirdish cramping for 3 days that has felt like twinges in weird places. I've been crankier than a crack-ho without a pimp, john, or stash. The "girls" feel like someone filled them with lead. My ankles are swollen past recognition. Oh, and bloated? I feel like I swallowed a beach ball. And yes, there have been tears. Over nothing. One day the dog looked at me and wagged her tail, and I burst into tears because she was so cute. I've alternated between ravenously hungry and nauseous. And I've had a headache for the last day and a half.
I also sit here with 2 negative home pregnancy tests, one yesterday and one today.
All of this conception business is starting to swirl around my head like a fog that won't quit. So I may be preggers and just not have enough hormones in my pee to register yet on a home pregnancy test. OR, these symptoms can all be related to the pending arrival of George. Come to think of it, I never did like George... nasty Effing Mother Effer.
BUT... honestly... at least at this point if George was to ring the doorbell, at least I'd know.
Knowledge, my friends, equals power.
I guess I'll have to do the traditional wait a few more days to see, then either head to my rockstar Doctor for a blood test or curl up in a ball while I rock myself out of a breakdown. (Ok, so I'm kidding about the breakdown, but this is all a lot for a person to take).
Here's how my coming week is shaping up:
In the next few days, figuring out if I am with child or not.
If I am, celebrating not only the fact that I am with child, but also that there is a reason for the general assholery that I have subjected everyone to lately.
If not, the assholery is prolly going to continue... don't say I didn't warn you.
To top it all off, the coming weekend features a ginormous family wedding... the last one was ours 3 years ago... and I'll have to be prepared to come up with answers to questions such as
1: "When are you guys ever going to have a baby?" (Um..... wish the eff I effing knew... hold on while I get my crystal ball out of my purse you nosey wench...)
2. "Aren't you trying yet?" (Ok. To be fair, I understand why you might ask that because you're family, and there is always one or two nutty members of any family who know no bounds... but come off it.... eff off... and while you're at it, has YOUR husband been making you scream lately as he plunders your booty??? I mean, if our sex life is a topic, let's ask about yours!)
...and my favourite:
3. "When are we going to hear the pitter patter of tiny footsteps?" (as if there was an impending invasion of smurfs on the horizon and we had better prepare ourselves for their arrival)... This comment is usually offered up by older folk, and let's face it, sometimes they just don't know any better. Depending on the offender, my response will likely be either "when you get a hearing aid you deaf twat!" or "Oh, we're not sure. How's that mole coming along on your back?" After all, skin cancer trumps infertility any day! (oh gawwwwd please know that I'm kidding here... and I'm not trying to make light of cancer once again... if Anonymous crawls out from under his or her rock, I'm sure to get another hateful comment but at this point I don't care)
Any luck at all, George will hold off, I'll find out I'm in fact knocked up, and I'll be able to tell them all to kiss my pregnant ass. We wouldn't tell the family yet, especially as we wouldn't want to steal the show at a wedding, but if we are so lucky as to be preggers it would make facing the endless questions a little easier even if we dodged them with a twinkle in our eye...
I guess at least if George shows up I can choose to hit the bar at the reception and drown my sorrows. Might not help with the general assholery though...
Saturday 30 June 2012
Wednesday 20 June 2012
The Chicken Vs the Egg (Part 2)
If you haven't read part 1, please do so now, or else you'll miss the exciting lead up to this post...
As I finally could see that shelf, once again the heavenly choir burst into a "ta-daaa" (this one was even louder), and I swear again on my life that a ray of light burst from the roof of the store onto that small box which promised to assist me in my quest or at least answer a few of my questions and besiege my worries.
One thing I will tell you: if you know anyone who is trying to conceive, it is initially fun, however as time wanes on... it can become a minefield of stress and anxiety. For me, it is like juggling the ever-present loudly-ticking Baby Clock inside my head with the increasingly garish and incessant banging of the Bass Drum of Woe. The two rhythms are not in sync, and would not make a top-10 hit for sure.
Deep breath.
The box was on the shelf. I snagged that mother up, paid for it, and left the store in search of test sticks. Oh yes - that is another important part of this process. The monitor requires test sticks (which are another small fortune unless you buy them in bulk or find them at a decent price on line). I found those at a local drug store and came home victorious. I announced to Hubby that our quest for conception had now taken a turn and we were armed with the latest technology to help us out. From his recliner he looked somewhat dubious, but humoured me as I showed him our latest purchase. I love him to bits.. he is as supportive as can be... but I think I lost him somewhere between describing the urine sample process and telling him all about the Luteinizing Hormone and it's impact on this journey.
So, in a nutshell (it's about time for a nutshell don't you think?), the next morning I added a new item to my morning itinerary and began to pee on sticks. That in itself was pretty simple. The sticks, thankfully, are easy to hold and are nice and long. Then the stick gets inserted into the monitor, which takes 5 minutes to analyze the stick to assess the amount of LH. There are three possible results displayed in the results window: low fertility, high fertility, and peak fertility (which even shows a little egg!).
I came prepared with a tonne of knowledge. This monitor is pretty incredible. It spends the first month getting to know the user, so it is not uncommon to not have a "peak" reading. Through the days of requisite testing, I initially started with low results. I wondered if I would remain low (which might mean hormonal problems). My worries were quickly set aside when I suddenly found myself getting high results. Then I wondered if I probably would not peak (which might mean that I don't ovulate).
Well, folks, I'm here to tell you that this Hotty in Training is definitely a Fertile Myrtle.
I have actually hit the peak, and seen the egg. After endless disappointment with test strips and my calendar app, it doesn't get much better than that. Even better: it appears that I ovulate a bit later than my app would predict. (Day 18 as opposed to Day 14). This means that what we had been doing up to now didn't even have a chance to work mathematically.
Of course the heavenly choir appeared with its "ta-daaaa". The appearance of the egg hit me like a tonne of bricks. I ran sprightly into our bedroom, woke Hubby from his deep slumber, and announced the arrival of our egg in the result window. Later that night, I asked him if he was excited, and it turns out he didn't remember anything about my Peak Proclamation, the egg, or even kissing me goodbye that morning... geesh.
My dear darling Hubby proceeded to tell me to try not to be so stressed, and that maybe I was putting too much pressure on myself. That he would love me to the ends of the earth no matter what, and wanted to grow old with me with or without kidlets. (God I love that man).
Here's the thing: for me, personally, this process has now become much less stressful. This monitor has filled in some of the gaps. I am fertile. I ovulate. I even ovulate later than we suspected, so there's no wonder why we haven't been blessed with a bundle because we were not adhering to the proper schedule. I know this sounds like I am taking a lot of the romance away from the process, but I have an overactive and analytical brain... and in order to give conception the best shot, I thought I had been doing everything that I could.
This monitor allows me to do one more thing. Obviously if we don't have success, we can approach our Doctor armed with relevant data right down to the LH surge that was picked up by the monitor. This leads me to think that if we do require further testing or intervention, that having the results from this monitor will help us to get there quicker.
Will I ever see a plus sign or happy face on a pregnancy stick? I'm not sure. I'm sure that I hope so.
But for now, seeing that little egg appear has put a skip in my step and a smile on my face. I even took a picture of that egg. I may frame it. Hell, some people display pictures of their baby in utero. Why not frame a picture of the LH results???
I can always slide the ultrasound photo in the frame later... fingers crossed....
As I finally could see that shelf, once again the heavenly choir burst into a "ta-daaa" (this one was even louder), and I swear again on my life that a ray of light burst from the roof of the store onto that small box which promised to assist me in my quest or at least answer a few of my questions and besiege my worries.
One thing I will tell you: if you know anyone who is trying to conceive, it is initially fun, however as time wanes on... it can become a minefield of stress and anxiety. For me, it is like juggling the ever-present loudly-ticking Baby Clock inside my head with the increasingly garish and incessant banging of the Bass Drum of Woe. The two rhythms are not in sync, and would not make a top-10 hit for sure.
Deep breath.
The box was on the shelf. I snagged that mother up, paid for it, and left the store in search of test sticks. Oh yes - that is another important part of this process. The monitor requires test sticks (which are another small fortune unless you buy them in bulk or find them at a decent price on line). I found those at a local drug store and came home victorious. I announced to Hubby that our quest for conception had now taken a turn and we were armed with the latest technology to help us out. From his recliner he looked somewhat dubious, but humoured me as I showed him our latest purchase. I love him to bits.. he is as supportive as can be... but I think I lost him somewhere between describing the urine sample process and telling him all about the Luteinizing Hormone and it's impact on this journey.
So, in a nutshell (it's about time for a nutshell don't you think?), the next morning I added a new item to my morning itinerary and began to pee on sticks. That in itself was pretty simple. The sticks, thankfully, are easy to hold and are nice and long. Then the stick gets inserted into the monitor, which takes 5 minutes to analyze the stick to assess the amount of LH. There are three possible results displayed in the results window: low fertility, high fertility, and peak fertility (which even shows a little egg!).
I came prepared with a tonne of knowledge. This monitor is pretty incredible. It spends the first month getting to know the user, so it is not uncommon to not have a "peak" reading. Through the days of requisite testing, I initially started with low results. I wondered if I would remain low (which might mean hormonal problems). My worries were quickly set aside when I suddenly found myself getting high results. Then I wondered if I probably would not peak (which might mean that I don't ovulate).
Well, folks, I'm here to tell you that this Hotty in Training is definitely a Fertile Myrtle.
I have actually hit the peak, and seen the egg. After endless disappointment with test strips and my calendar app, it doesn't get much better than that. Even better: it appears that I ovulate a bit later than my app would predict. (Day 18 as opposed to Day 14). This means that what we had been doing up to now didn't even have a chance to work mathematically.
Of course the heavenly choir appeared with its "ta-daaaa". The appearance of the egg hit me like a tonne of bricks. I ran sprightly into our bedroom, woke Hubby from his deep slumber, and announced the arrival of our egg in the result window. Later that night, I asked him if he was excited, and it turns out he didn't remember anything about my Peak Proclamation, the egg, or even kissing me goodbye that morning... geesh.
My dear darling Hubby proceeded to tell me to try not to be so stressed, and that maybe I was putting too much pressure on myself. That he would love me to the ends of the earth no matter what, and wanted to grow old with me with or without kidlets. (God I love that man).
Here's the thing: for me, personally, this process has now become much less stressful. This monitor has filled in some of the gaps. I am fertile. I ovulate. I even ovulate later than we suspected, so there's no wonder why we haven't been blessed with a bundle because we were not adhering to the proper schedule. I know this sounds like I am taking a lot of the romance away from the process, but I have an overactive and analytical brain... and in order to give conception the best shot, I thought I had been doing everything that I could.
This monitor allows me to do one more thing. Obviously if we don't have success, we can approach our Doctor armed with relevant data right down to the LH surge that was picked up by the monitor. This leads me to think that if we do require further testing or intervention, that having the results from this monitor will help us to get there quicker.
Will I ever see a plus sign or happy face on a pregnancy stick? I'm not sure. I'm sure that I hope so.
But for now, seeing that little egg appear has put a skip in my step and a smile on my face. I even took a picture of that egg. I may frame it. Hell, some people display pictures of their baby in utero. Why not frame a picture of the LH results???
I can always slide the ultrasound photo in the frame later... fingers crossed....
The Chicken vs The Egg Pt.1
Which came first: The chicken or the egg?
The answer should be: the Clearblue Fertility Monitor.
So, a few weeks back, I was shopping at a local department store that was closing out. Lured by the gleaming banners which promised 70% off most items, I was drawn into the sliding glass doors like a bee to a honeycomb.
As I circled the store with my shopping cart, I found a few things here or there that I convinced myself I should buy. I'm usually a great shopper in that I can say "no" to a lot of items that try to fling themselves into my cart. *unless of course I'm at a clothing store, and then all bets are off - I tend to come home and unpack items that not only would I never wear, but ones that I'd never even re-gift
At the checkout, something caught my eye. Behind the cashier, haphazardly laid on a shelf sideways between a pair of pantyhose and a display of electric toothbrush heads, was a small box. As the cash register calculated my total and she asked the infamous "cash, credit or debit?", lo and behold I was looking at a "Fertility Monitor". Now I'm not one to exaggerate (ok, maybe every now and again I might tend to do this a little), but I swear to you on my life that I heard a heavenly choir sing "ta-daaaaa" in 4 part harmony.
Honestly, I knew nothing about a Fertility Monitor. However, being a woman who is attempting to conceive, it sounded promising. I asked the cashier how much it was. It had been discounted 70% and was now less than one hundred dollars (so it was pretty expensive to begin with!). In case you didn't realise this already, I'm a little on the OCD side of analytical. I simply couldn't spend that amount of money on something without "googling" the heck out of it.
I returned home with my few items and went straight to the source of much of my knowledge: Google. Turns out that this Fertility Monitor (which was still sitting on the shelf behind that cashier) seems to be The Answer for multitudes of women who are attempting to get preggers.
The trouble with trying to conceive is that it is a mathematical roll of the dice every month. Am I even fertile? Do I ovulate regularly if at all? Is there an underlying issue that would prevent conception? Might I have PCOs without symptoms? All of these thoughts (and many many more) started to swirl around inside my noggin lately. After months of trying to conceive using everything from Ovulation Test Strips (no luck) to my Period Tracker App which tells me when I should be ovulating based on my cycle (my irregular cycle to boot)... no luck. So, I began to wonder in great detail if I was ovulating or fertile as the weeks went on. Hubby and I did our best to adhere to the projected schedule based on my calendar, but no dice. Pretty soon I would have to go to the doctor in search of testing or perhaps a prescription like Clomid to assist in the process.
As I read on about the Fertility Monitor, I saw an tremendous amount of glowing feedback from women (and men) who believed that this monitor was the key to success. The monitor itself works by peeing on a stick, and putting that stick into a computer which calculates the amount of the Luteinizing Hormone (LH) in your system. This is important as a rise in LH signals the body preparing to release an egg.
Boy, this is long. But important. I will tell you that if you have made it this far and this is striking you as TMI or not of interest, then you might as well bail now. Last chance....
Soooo... after a fortnight of googling and youtubing... I woke up and headed back to the store, praying that the box might still be on the shelf. One thing about a closing out sale is that the stock is seldomly organized. Basically everything is hit or miss, and the goods can end up scattered all over the store. This time I lined up empty handed... I was 18th in the line just waiting to catch a glimpse of the shelf behind the cashier.
I got closer and closer to the cash, and finally could see the shelf where the box had been... and held my breath....
The answer should be: the Clearblue Fertility Monitor.
So, a few weeks back, I was shopping at a local department store that was closing out. Lured by the gleaming banners which promised 70% off most items, I was drawn into the sliding glass doors like a bee to a honeycomb.
As I circled the store with my shopping cart, I found a few things here or there that I convinced myself I should buy. I'm usually a great shopper in that I can say "no" to a lot of items that try to fling themselves into my cart. *unless of course I'm at a clothing store, and then all bets are off - I tend to come home and unpack items that not only would I never wear, but ones that I'd never even re-gift
At the checkout, something caught my eye. Behind the cashier, haphazardly laid on a shelf sideways between a pair of pantyhose and a display of electric toothbrush heads, was a small box. As the cash register calculated my total and she asked the infamous "cash, credit or debit?", lo and behold I was looking at a "Fertility Monitor". Now I'm not one to exaggerate (ok, maybe every now and again I might tend to do this a little), but I swear to you on my life that I heard a heavenly choir sing "ta-daaaaa" in 4 part harmony.
Honestly, I knew nothing about a Fertility Monitor. However, being a woman who is attempting to conceive, it sounded promising. I asked the cashier how much it was. It had been discounted 70% and was now less than one hundred dollars (so it was pretty expensive to begin with!). In case you didn't realise this already, I'm a little on the OCD side of analytical. I simply couldn't spend that amount of money on something without "googling" the heck out of it.
I returned home with my few items and went straight to the source of much of my knowledge: Google. Turns out that this Fertility Monitor (which was still sitting on the shelf behind that cashier) seems to be The Answer for multitudes of women who are attempting to get preggers.
The trouble with trying to conceive is that it is a mathematical roll of the dice every month. Am I even fertile? Do I ovulate regularly if at all? Is there an underlying issue that would prevent conception? Might I have PCOs without symptoms? All of these thoughts (and many many more) started to swirl around inside my noggin lately. After months of trying to conceive using everything from Ovulation Test Strips (no luck) to my Period Tracker App which tells me when I should be ovulating based on my cycle (my irregular cycle to boot)... no luck. So, I began to wonder in great detail if I was ovulating or fertile as the weeks went on. Hubby and I did our best to adhere to the projected schedule based on my calendar, but no dice. Pretty soon I would have to go to the doctor in search of testing or perhaps a prescription like Clomid to assist in the process.
As I read on about the Fertility Monitor, I saw an tremendous amount of glowing feedback from women (and men) who believed that this monitor was the key to success. The monitor itself works by peeing on a stick, and putting that stick into a computer which calculates the amount of the Luteinizing Hormone (LH) in your system. This is important as a rise in LH signals the body preparing to release an egg.
Boy, this is long. But important. I will tell you that if you have made it this far and this is striking you as TMI or not of interest, then you might as well bail now. Last chance....
Soooo... after a fortnight of googling and youtubing... I woke up and headed back to the store, praying that the box might still be on the shelf. One thing about a closing out sale is that the stock is seldomly organized. Basically everything is hit or miss, and the goods can end up scattered all over the store. This time I lined up empty handed... I was 18th in the line just waiting to catch a glimpse of the shelf behind the cashier.
I got closer and closer to the cash, and finally could see the shelf where the box had been... and held my breath....
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