I have often wished that I was a crack-whore.
Yup, you just read that correctly. Ok, maybe not so much the whore part - perhaps crack-hound is a better way to put it.
See, in my fantasy world that exists inside my tiny pea-brained noggin, at least a drug addict has to deal with substance abuse of a specific, illicit substance. One that if you had to give it up, you would likely not encounter it at every single convenience store, restaurant, cupboard, and fridge, every day 3 times a day... you catch my drift?
But oh no - thus far in life I've had to deal with an affliction that cannot be dealt with by simpling avoiding one singular solitary substance. The fact of the matter is that 3 times a day (if I remember to eat), every day, I'm faced with staring down the barrell of a loaded gun and trying to make better decisions. And of course so far I have not done so well - by neglect equally as much as abuse.
I've often watched addicts on the show inject or snort hideous substances that will no doubt slowly ravage their bodies. Their addictions are letting them commit suicide slowly by choosing the drug over life, and let's face it they don't really have much of a choice by the time they are truly hooked.
I have been committing suicide by spork... or spoon, or fork, or knife, or ladle, you catch my drift. Every meal, every day... another dicey gamble to "stay on the wagon" and make the "right" choices. My eating habits are letting me commit suicide slowly by neglecting the nutritional needs of my body and enabling a quicker end to my life.
My life, by the way, is one that I desperately want to live. I have a fierce determination to see this through. I have plans for me that I can't even visualize yet, and I have dreams that I have yet to dream.
Shedding the horrid cloak of obesity is a neccessary step and not an option. Maybe I can try to remind myself of this the next time I'm planning a meal (or find myself steering the car through a drive-thru).
Damn you cutlery. I want to die when it is time, not at the hands of the instruments that are supposed to be tools to nourish my body!!!!
I so understand what you mean! As you know, we met on WW online. I’ve so far lost 67 lbs on the program. Over the last 8 years or so I’ve lost about 105 (probably more). Every day, several times per day, it’s a struggle. If I’m feeling stressed, happy, tired, frustrated, sad, emotional, good, bad or whatever, I will think of food. Thankfully, I now understand my behavior but I still battle with it. The battles are getting much easier because I feel so much better and am way healthier.
ReplyDeleteAlthough you will find your own nook and way of dealing with things HP, I see WW as my AA meeting. I just do the program online (don’t go to meetings) but for me, so far, tracking every day and talking with people from the site has kept me in check. Like an alcoholic or a drug addict, I need to be reminded daily that I am powerless over some of the food decisions I make on my own. I have about 17 lbs to go to be at my goal. I know that the struggle will be lifelong….just like any other addict.
Hi HP :) It's Jennifer 71 from WW.
ReplyDeleteI see a therapist, and I recently told her that I wish I was an alcoholic instead of a food addict. It is very hard for me to imagine my life without using food as a soothing mechanism.
I get it... xoxo
Food addiction is the worst! As hard as it would be to give up drugs, you can separate yourself from them entirely. Food on the other hand you need to survive, and you are constantly bombarded with cravings! It's terrible.
ReplyDeleteBut don't give up on your dream. Have u ever thought of doing a vision board? I have started on one, and its kinda of cool. It's something I can look at every day and add to and it sparks up my motivation and inpiration in a visual way!
Love to you HP. Glad to see you are blogging again. I hate my food addiction and food abuse. I want to love to live to 100 too.
ReplyDeleteHowever like all addicts, recovery comes not from being able to avoid the addiction of choice, but to learn how to cope with the underlying emotions that drive you to it in the first place. All addiction, I believe, is an unwillingness or inability to face the feelings of the present and of past trauma. I too have turned to food MANY times. I recently enrolled in a stress and anxiety course to help me deal with these two emotions.It opened my eyes to the negative things I say to myself everyday. I turned to food to have something to comfort me, distract me, make me feel good when everything else feels overwhelming and out of control. I am learning to face some of those beliefs head on; to deal with the negativity that sabotages my own efforts; to change my thought patterns and beliefs that drive my choices. Ultimately, weight loss is no different than any other recovery from addiction. It is about facing that which we need to face, and learn the strategies we need to move on. Good luck with your journey.
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