Major News... m-a-j-o-r!

Ok, so first off I most wholeheartedly apologize to the handful of you who have been waiting for an update.  Life got in the way of writing about life. And I most certainly have missed writing.  So, with my spirit renewed and with steadfast conviction - I pledge to write far more regularly now that I have hauled my head out of my ass! 

The news:  I have had surgery.  Santa came early and brought me the best present.  I am the proud owner of a sleeve where once my stomache was.  For any of you who are still following from my WW days, I commend you for fighting the battle and being able to do so without having to have surgery.  Battling weight is not easy.  I wish I could have joined the battle way before I got to 414lbs because I possibly would have been able to avoid this drastic measure.

That being said, my surgery went very well.  I had no complications.  I'm 2 weeks post op now.  After a 3 day stay in the hospital I was released and sent on my way.  I no longer have any sort of hunger.  This is likely due to two things:  first of all, my body has better sense than to want food because I simply can't tolerate it right now.  Second of all, the part of the stomache that produces ghrelin (which is the chemical signal for hunger), has been removed.  Either way, it is refreshing to live without hunger and it is completely new territory to live without the desire to eat.

My biggest challenges right now are staying hyrdrated to avoid re-hospitalisation.  I can currently consume 4-8 ounces per hour depending on how my sleeve is feeling.  Every small (and incredibly s...l....o......w.....) sip that I take is a journey.  I have to evaluate how it feels going down, and if it is met with any disagreement from my sleeve then I have to stop.  I am finding this difficult.  I hit a low on Christmas Eve, when I found that I could simply not tolerate any liquids at all.  I was so dry that I didn't have enough saliva to dissolve a TUMS (and trust me, after this surgery, antacid tablets have been my happy pills).  My eyes felt like there was sand in them.  Thankfully my loving Hubby encouraged me to try to keep at the liquids, and Christmas Day I was feeling much better.

So.  What is life like now?  Life is simple yet complex.  My hunger is gone, and eating is out of the question, which makes this simple. The complexity comes in figuring out what I can tolerate. For the first 4 weeks post-op, I'm on a full-fluids which means that anything I ingest has to pour like milk (or dissolve in my mouth).  The next 4 weeks after that I'll be on the "mushy" stage, where I can enjoy servings of epicurean delight such as 1 scrambled egg or 2 tablespoons of mashed turnip.  In the long run, living with a sleeve means a drastic reduction in the amount I can ingest, but eventually I will be able to eat a variety of food just in smaller amounts.  My sleeve will not stretch very much - so if the most I can handle is 8 ounces for example, my plate will look very different from before.  1 ounce of steak for example is the size of a matchbox.  I've been on liquids now for 3 weeks including the 1 week pre-op.

Is it hard?  YES (and no).  It is hard to keep hydrated.  Sometimes my sleeve simply does not want anything going towards it.  It's kind of like trying to feed an infant.  I never know how something will do when I send it down.  My food (ie broth) constantly gets cold on me because it takes so long to consume it in tiny, thoughtful sips.  I really miss being able to take a big gulp of drink.  But trust me, when you've felt the wrath of swallowing too much (which feels like you have swallowed a soccer ball that is on fire), you learn really quick to take it slow.  The part that makes this less hard is knowing that I simply can't do anything else.  There is no cheating at this - it is physically impossible at least at this stage.

Christmas dinner for me was 2 tablespoons of turkey broth.  I tried a little cranberry sauce but couldn't tolerate it.  I did have a little trifle which my Mom made special with no-sugar added jello (which is strangely ok at this stage as it dissolves in the mouth) and low-fat cream.  In the amount of time it took me to sip my broth and trifle, my in-laws had consumed not one but 2 gargantuan servings of turkey dinner.  My Hubby's plate was piled so high it looked like a mountain range in Nepal.  My family felt bad - they felt sorry for me .  In turn, I felt like screaming at them.  I mean, how can you feel sorry for me???  I've just done something incredibly brave to drastically change my life - and yet you didn't feel sorry when I sat in front of you at 400+ lbs and ate til I hurt??????

Speaking of weight, I am sick of it.  Some people who get sleeved are fascinated with the weight loss which usually seems to be pretty drastic in the first little while.  I am not.  I know myself too well.  I failed at WW because of the negative relationship I had with the scales.  I put WAY too much pressure on myself, and the journey became all about the numbers. 

I want this journey to be about improvements.  About feeling better.  About the little things that I notice (or the bigger things).  I did take my measurements (with the help of my Mom) the night before surgery.  And yes, I took my "before" pictures wearing tighter clothes.  That way I'll have something to compare myself to other than the scales.

The numbers on the scale are just numbers.  They can't tell what kind of a person you are or measure your kindness.  They don't reflect that you have survived all sorts of horrors and come through the other side.  And they can't gauge the changes that are happening within.  And until I can see the results on the scales as just numbers and NOT use the results to wage war on myself, I won't take part in knowing them or promoting them.  I know it is sort of a backward way of approaching things, but for now at least that is what I feel I need to do.  I feel better than I did 3 weeks ago.  In fact, while in hospital the day after surgery, I was moving better than I had the week before surgery. 

I have my first clinical visit next month, and maybe I'll change the way I feel about the scales by then.  But for now I think I've completely realized the extent that I allowed my own perception of the scales bother me before, and I won't allow that to happen again.

Anyhow - that is all the news that is fit to post.  And I promise to keep you posted.  Blogging is a wonderful way for me to keep track of me and how I'm feeling on this journey, so I'm doing this selfishly for me but maybe if I can help someone else even just one more person, I can reap even more rewards!

Oh and for those of you who are celebrating the holidays, Merry Christmas to you and yours and all the best for 2013!