The White Flag

While I've managed to live my life largely unaware of the judgement of others, there have been a few times when I have been subjected to what I can only descibe as fat-phobia.

Fat-phobia is the term I use to describe the assumption that sitting next to me, spending time with me, or getting to know me may lead to one becoming obese like me.  I know it sounds foolish, but trust me - I've seen this in action.

I guess because of this I've been reluctant to share with other people that Hubby and I are trying to conceive.  Obviously, I've shared this with you all - but it is greatly due to the fact that only a handful of those on the web actually know me. 

I found myself today at an appointment for an xray - actually, it was a GI series - one which my family doctor had ordered no less than 10 months ago.  I didn't think much of it, and went about the routine of preparing for the test as prescribed.  I fasted, then got up at the crack of dawn and drove to the hospital.

While I awaited my turn, I noticed the signs plastered on the wall:  "Please advise the technician if you may be pregnant."

Sooo... first of all, IF I'm pregnant, it is extremely early... as in 48 hours post-ovulation kind of early.

As I walked into the exam room, my heart sped up and I flushed.  My options were to discuss this with the technician or avoid the topic.  After all, the last thing I wanted today was a lecture on how I should not reproduce at my humongous size...

I briefly considered not telling the technician and actually risking it - just to avoid judgement.

Then, thankfully, I took a big gulp and I spoke up for my potential embryo and also myself.

I informed the technician of my dilemma.  Usually they would send a patient to the lab for bloodwork to determine pregnancy, however at 48 hours post-ovulation, it is too early to get positive results in the bloodwork.  She was a nice lady who treated me with dignity and respect.  No lecture in sight.  Phew!

The Radiologist then came out of the back room to speak to me.  Again,  my heart lept into action like a loud drum in my ears and I suddenly developed a problem swallowing, I realised with impending doom that THIS was the very moment that I would get The Dreaded Lecture.  I pictured him coming at me, waving a finger, questioning me as to what right in heck did I figure I had to even TRY to bring a child into this world...

And yet, when I took a breath, I noticed that this was all imaginary.  The Doctor was not waving a finger in my face.  He had the most beautiful deep brown eyes, and appeared to be from the environs of India as he spoke with a rich and luxurious accent.  He advised me against the procedure given that it would be a series of mutiple x-rays and could be harmful if indeed I am pregnant.  (Also, there was no pressing medical urgency to me having the test done - the issue which resulted in me getting the referral all those months ago had seemed to have vanished).

He apologized for my wait, and for my time.  I thanked him for his time.

As I left the room, he called out these words (which I just may have to embroider on a pillow or paint on a wall).... "Oh, and Madam, one more thing:  good luck with the baby".

There you have it.  No lecture.  No judgement.  Only kind words, and well-wishes.

Perhaps I am as fat-phobic as anyone else.  I know I've been my own worst enemy for much of my life.  And while I talk about self-awareness and self-confidence, there is obviously still the tendancy to put myself down in between my two ears.

I'm not ready to go out there on a limb and proclaim to the Universe that I am hoping to bear a child...

But I'm no longer willing to let the negative track that runs through my mind remain on "repeat". 

To battle obesity is a challenge.  I must not only question what I put into my mouth and decipher its nutritional value.  I must also question every self-thought and ask myself if my judgement is of any value to progress in this battle.

Life is hard enough without battling MYSELF.  I'm waving the white flag, and surrendering to just try my best.