Mother's Day

It was a rough day for me yesterday.

Last month I was pretty sure that I had become pregnant.  I was patiently (ok, not really patiently) doing for the 2WW... which is lingo for the "two week wait" which is the hallmark of many couples who are trying to conceive.  Basically it is the two weeks post ovulation leading up to the arrival of one's menstrual cycle.  I know, I know.  TMI... but there you have it.

I had some of the symptoms that I have read about online.  My ability to smell anything from cough drops to fruit being peeled increased dramatically.  I was irritable at times, and also had a bit of cramping.  My boobs (again TMI, sorry) were tender.  And my appetite was wonky.

I found myself starting to do all sorts of things one would do if she found herself pregnant.  I day dreamed about nurseries, names, and offspring.  I fantasized about my dear Hubby holding his child for the first time.  In the meanwhile, I painted a mural in the nursery of our dear friend who is expecting her first child soon, and I secretly spent the whole time thinking of what I would paint on the walls of our own nusery...

Then low and behold, 3 days prior to the arrival of dear Auntie Flo (which would have meant testing time!) I no longer needed to test.  I suddenly found myself heartbroken. I felt like curling into a ball on the bathroom floor, but I didn't.

I'm not sure if I had what is known as a chemical pregnancy (which is a pregnancy that ends in the very early stages), or if I was never pregnant in the first place and just had my period early.  Either way, it was rough.

I kept most of this inside.  After all, how can I honestly grieve when I don't even know if I was pregnant?  Hubby has a million things on the go, and I felt like I couldn't burden him with the depths of my heartbreak.  It didn't even really make a whole lot of sense to me, so I dealt with it the best way I could.  I talked to a close friend and also a coworker.  Then I did my best to move on.

Along came Mother's day, and it hit me.  Next Mother's Day I'll be 40.  I know that people are now having kids into their 40s, but let's be honest here:  time is a ticking. 
I feel like the sand is falling through the hourglass at a fast rate and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Some of you have asked me about adoption.  There is a 10 year waitlist where I live, and it is sadly against the law to advertise for a baby.  Foster parenting is a great idea, except I'm pretty sure that I would not be able to give a child back.  Overseas adoptions require a lot of money, and some of them even choose not to adopt to overweight or obese parents. 

I spent half of my adult life actively trying NOT to have kids and literally thanking God when Aunt Flo arrived to confirm that I had not become pregnant... Now, I would give anything to have the opportunity to give it a shot.  Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

I guess it goes to show you that life can change.  I've handled major changes before, and seen them as opportunities to move on in a new direction.

The problem I'm now facing is that I just can't see past my burning desire to have a child...  I can't imagine not having a baby... and I don't want to move in a direction that means not having one.  I used to find myself saying things like "when God closes a door He opens a window" and yet I honestly can't imagine what kind of window could open if I am not a mother.

I'm just realizing that part of me actually did curl into the fetal position last month, and that as much as I've tried to avoid grieving because it didn't seem logical, it doesn't change the fact that I still need to grieve - even if it is just for the opportunity that passed and for what wasn't.

Yet again this month I'll continue this dreaded dance of trying, wishing, hoping, praying, and waiting.

This much I know:  trying to conceive is an intensely personal thing, which has emotions as deep as the ocean.  Many couples struggle with this, and yet they often suffer in silence. 

It is very easy for me to suffer in silence as well, however I must choose to move on as best I can, which is the very reason that I am writing this post today.

To all of you mothers out there, hope you had a happy Mother's day.  I hope to one day be celebrating with you all.  This time around it just wasn't meant to be.